Sarah Belle

the grave is overwhelmed

2008-12-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

Psalm 116:1-15
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice, he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me;
then I called on the name of the Lord "O Lord, Save me!"
the Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion

the Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
For you O Lord have saved my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
...
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints

What do you do when you are too sad to sleep? I know that God's plan is always the best and I praise Him for knowing what the heck He is doing...because I sure don't. The world needs more people like Kelly...not fewer. The enemy has taken such an advanced attack on the people around me...Kelly, my patient from a few weeks ago...the man who killed himself at my work, my co-workers father who killed himself, my classmates little sister who was killed in a car accident and was only 16 years old. It breaks my heart because I know God did not intend for this kind of suffering to occur. He didn't mean for Julien to grow up not knowing how amazing his mother was and the light she brought to everyone she met. the patient, whose pulse I felt and an hour before it stopped, was not meant to be stuck in a body which he had no control over, and then leave this world without his family by his side. The man from my work and my co-workers father; the world hurt them so badly that they saw no other way out...these men had family, children, jobs, hobbies. How strong a hold has he taken on these people. Laura's little sister, she was 16, driving a car for the very first time alone. I know that this kind of pain was not intended for us when God created the world. I think we have it wrong if we believe that death is from God...yes God can stop death from happening but he does not make it happen. The enemy made it happen when he brought sin into this world, when he began his assault on the human race, on God's children.
But here is the beauty of it....
Jesus is stronger than death. When his precious blood fell from his body, he provided us with the hope that it doesn't end when we die. It didn't end when Jesus died! This life, this suffering, this pain, is not the last thing we will ever know if we choose Christ. He rose and he conquered the grave, he conquered death, and he conquered the enemy. My Jesus will continue to do these things and even though the enemy will continue to try, nothing can keep us from the love of God.
I pray that in spite of my own sadness, in spite of the sadness of many families throughout the holiday and for the rest of their lives, the name of the Lord will continue to be praised. I implore you friends, to pray for this in your own lives and in the lives of those radically changed by death recently, that God will radically work in their hearts and their lives because he can and he will. "Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed. Victory is won, he is risen from the dead"
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities, nor present nor the future nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

final encouragement

2008-12-08T11:57:00.001-08:00

Hey friends...just wanted to take a second in this CRAZY time for all of us college students and give you some biblical encouragement because I believe that it is the truest form of encouragement, the hope we have in Jesus Christ. And it's mostly for me too, not to preach but to encourage ok?

Mark 6:30 "then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest"".
As most of us are probably not sleeping at all, getting discouraged and stressed, it might help if we try to remember that Jesus is the remedy; he is our resting place
In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light" ummm...THANK YOU JESUS!
Luke 8:38-39 "The man from whom the demons had gone out begged to go with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying "return home, and tell how much God has done for you" so the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.
During finals, its really easy for me to get so caught up in my own little world of pathophysiology and cardiac disruptions and its sometimes really hard to see a way out. and I so often forget to keep praising the Lord for all he has done for me, for giving me the opportunity to study at this school, for cultivating an interest in this material....Philipians 1:3-6 says "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I will always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ
And finally John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled, trust in God, trust also in me"
God's gonna get us through this week ok? Please let me know how I can pray for you all.

not even death

2008-12-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

"I will ransom them from the power of the grave, I will redeem them from death.
Where, O death, are your plagues? Where, O grave is your destruction?"
Hosea 13:14

Today I saw a dead body for the first time. I had passed his room earlier and noticed Cheyne-Stokes breathing...which basically means that he was on his way out. And I watched as a heartless nurse shut the door on her way out of the room and told no one to go in. She shut the door on a still leaving person, someone who is still deeply loved and being mourned over and she shut the door on him. but I know that he was not alone. After he died my instructor made me assess him, check for a pulse that I would not find, listen for a heart that would never beat again, assess for respirations that would no longer exist, open his eyes to check his pupils. And every time I checked something I was hoping that I was doing it wrong, that I would see his chest rise again, that I wasn't listening to my stethescope closely enough.
I don't think that anyone can completely understand the glory of the gospel unless they have a good understanding of death, which until today, I did not. Death, even when it is quiet, "comfortable" and expected, is an awful awful event that I know my God did not originally intend for us to experience. And my God, my savior, my Jesus, volunteered to go through that for me. It's an experience that I could never wish upon anyone, the fate that my sin has cost me. And Jesus, Holy and blameless Jesus paid my ransom and did it for me. He didn't just stop living, he experienced death in its fullest extent, and he conquered the grave. The power of death is shattered by Him who saves and I will forever rejoice because of it.

Lead me to the cross where your love poured out,
Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down,
Rid me of myself I belong to you,
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross

Put on the Lord Jesus

2008-11-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

Can I just start by saying that I serve an awesome awesome God?!?! Two awesomes aren't even close to enough. I guess the epic-ness of this weekend should beging with some context.

I had big plans for myself this weekend. Big ones. It was supposed to be the most exciting weekend of my life when my fairy tale came true--my plans, and thanks to my precious Lord, weren't gonna happen. And I was sad at first, because I had built this up to be the best weekend ever because of this thing that I decided was best for me, that would make me happy. And then I get into a car accident involving seven cars. So needless to say, my thrill for this weekend had left..quickly. But God is so good. When my plans are not his, he first gently corrects me (though the tighter I hold onto my plans the less gentle removal can become...) and then he says "Look Sarah, I've got something better for you." In Habakkuk 1:5 the Lord says "Look at the nations and watch, and be utterly amazed, for I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told" In the end, this weekend was better than I had ever imagined, better than it could have been had my plans actually happened. I wanted to meet with a part of creation this weekend, but God planned for me to meet with my creator, the creator of the universe and of all things beautiful and good--and He did this because he loves me and he wants my praise because he is worthy of all of my praise. Thank you Jesus for that.

Some of the highlights of this weekend are all encompassed in what I learned from the Lord and his word. Romans 13:14 says "but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature"--I am such a sinner who is deeply in love with Jesus with a desperation to show the world His glory. But nothing I ever do or try to do will bring glory to the king; all that will bring him glory is what He does in me and through me. So self, it's time to step aside and let the Master do what he intended for my life...not what I intend. More of Him and way way less of me. I never understood how my total brokenness which I seem to encounter so often, could ever be anything positive, but in my brokenness, God's purpose and glory can be made more perfect and more complete. I still am blown away that after all the shame of my mistakes, God wanted so badly to meet with me intimately this weekend.

Another thing that has radically changed my perspective is that it is time to let God be the god of my life. My entire life I have professed God to be the god of my life, and yet the majority of my life is spent giving that title to something else. I am often more passionate about and sacrifice more for nursing school, boys, music---other gods aren't just idols, they are whatever we let have the focus of our hearts and desires that isn't God. I am done chasing after creations and starting let the creator and my maker rule and reign in my life.

It is almost funny to me that these things are so foundational to being a follower of Christ and yet I forget them so often. Submit to God, give him his rightful authority over my life, and remember the kingdom of God is at hand. They are so fundamental and yet I have never really felt like I have had such a clear picture. It used to be about wanting to do better, and to serve harder and to read my bible more and to preach more, but that's not it. Yes, I need to be a doer of the word, but the key step that I have always missed, is humbling myself before the Lord, and totally submitting and surrendering my life to Him. How have I called myself a Christian my whole life and forgotten that? It is by the grace of my almighty God that I have been brought back to the truth, which is only found in God and communicated with us through His word. I could continue to type forever about the awesomeness of God, and please if you are reading this, let's dialogue about it and pray for each other.

As a Christian, the core principle of my faith has never shaken me more radically; this God I serve is perfect in every way and darkness tries to hide from Him. And here I am, spewing out darkness from everything I touch. And yet he loves me so much, that in order to have a relationship with me, which couldn't happen because of my sin, he allowed his only, perfect son to carry my sin, my junk, my gossip, my attitude, my harsh words, my awful disgusting mistakes all on a cross, so that I could have a shot at a relationship with the Holiest of Holies...and its all for His glory. As a Christian, if this does not blow me away every day, then I have become complacent; I pray that this never happens. Romans 5:6-8 "You see, just at the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will someone die for a righteous man, though for a good man, someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love toward us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us"

blessed

2008-11-10T15:42:00.000-08:00

The Lord has been good to me. And thats all I want to say...I have been blessed beyond all measure.

First Patient

2008-10-09T05:17:00.000-07:00

I took care of my first patient on Tuesday. It was nothing too exciting, in fact I really did not get to do anything for my patient as he was having a procedure done. At first I was extremely fearful of taking care of patients for reals, but God really blessed me first with peace, and then with excitement. He has placed such a beautiful opportunity in front of me. I get to love on people who are hurting and distressed and need love more than during most situations. If you can, please pray that when I watch over these people, that God make me an extension of his loving and healing hands. Please pray that my passion to do my absolute best for these patients does not diminish as time passes but rather grows in time. Finally, please pray that I seek God in my distress. Nursing school is not easy, and I need to remind myself that God is going to get me through each day and completely take care of my needs, and that He has a better plan for my life than I could even imagine. Patient number two will be in a couple of hours. She speaks only Korean. 1 John 3:18 says "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." Today I have no choice but to do that and I thank God for the opportunity.

Love

2008-10-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

John 15: 9-17
"So the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this, Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I call you friends, for everything that I have learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

Basically, Jesus makes it pretty simple for us. Can we just sit for a second and let that marinate? Sometimes in the midst of my life I make it about so much, rules and obligations and morals but here, Jesus makes following him so simple. Love each other, remain in God's love.

Today for Shelly & A New Purpose

2008-09-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

So today is a day we are taking the time to make sure to say extra prayers for Shelly Burg, as it is her first day of Chemo. I am absolutely certain that God's hand is upon her and His strength is exactly what she needs.

I just wanted to share a bible verse I read the other day. In Habakkuk 1:5 the Lord says "Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told."
Wow! What a beautiful promise the Lord makes. What an awesome God we serve, who promises to use our lives for his purpose in ways that we could not even imagine. My life, given a purpose by the creator of the universe and all things beautiful and good...I have always been a planner--I have even made plans to make plans, but all of it has left me utterly unsatisfied and constantly striving. It's really time for me to give my life and will back to Jesus so he can fulfill his purpose for this life. I feel as though recent events have really changed my outlook on things, and for the first time in my life, I am falling deeply in love with Jesus Christ. And it sounds weird because I have been a Christian my entire life. I have believed that Jesus is my savior and my only way to eternity, and attempted to follow him. But I didn't know a love like this was possible. Before now it was just about believing and following, but what is so exciting for me is that following Jesus can be SO much more than what I assumed it was a Christian. Yes, believing and following is great, and God offers us forgiveness and eternity which is also great, but He offers me a love like no other, and a beautiful relationship. Family, please pray that I continue to seek God, and to draw nearer to him. I know so many times I have had revelations, but please pray that this new passion and fire within me does not dwindle.

A New Chapter

2008-09-15T07:57:00.001-07:00

OK so it's cliche I know...but that is the most optimistic way I can look at the situation presented to me. I am closing the last chapter of my life and opening a new one. This last week has been quite the ordeal, and I am hoping that it is over for now. Either way, I am trusting that God will take care of it. I am so thankful to Him that it ended exactly how I asked him to end it if it had to...Matt is safe. I was so afraid that God would show me this was not his plan for me in that way so I am so glad it ended the way it did. Feelings were hurt, yes, but it has given me a reason to turn to God and I am beginning to consider that a blessing. It is strictly an opportunity for personal growth as a follower of Jesus and an opportunity to fall more in love with Him, the true love of my life and possesser of my heart. Mom, Dad and Sisters, I am pretty sure you are the only one's who read this. So thank you for all of your love and support in this situation. If it were not for your gentle and loving reminding, I would not turn to God in this situation. So thank you. And please keep me and even those who have recently hurt me in your prayers. We all need it right now. Much love!

Relay for Life!

2008-04-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

our team with some well-earned donuts
My amazing mother in the survivor lap!
Our Campsite...our team name was the McLovin's, fighting cancer by spreading love

Thank you to everyone who supported Relay for Life at UCLA! The now number one college Relay in California raised over $120,000!!! And I have to say thank you to our team members. As it turned out, there were only 6 of us, but thank you to my cousins Sheri and Preston for walking for us! The experience really opened my eyes to how hard it must be to fight cancer. I got sick before the Relay, so I had to walk and be sick and cold for a little while. But when I got tired, I could just trade with someone from my team; people with cancer don't get that luxury. They have to fight all the time and be sick and tired all of the time. I was also very blessed to share the experience with my amazing mother, a one year cancer survivor. Mom, you are such an inspiration. It would have meant so much less if you weren't there. And to all of the people still fighting, fight on! Here are some pictures of the event!

I kind of need that

2008-03-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

If I had an injury anywhere else, like my left ulna or my appendix, stuff I don't really need, that would be chill. But I have a mild concussion, and my head, well I kind of need that. I slept from 5 last night until 8 this morning..and my head really hurts.

Relay For Life

2008-02-21T20:05:00.001-08:00

Hi Everyone! It's been forever since I have updated this, so here goes. The big news is Relay for Life coming up on April 19-20th. My mom and I are on a team together, the McLovins. We are trying to come up with some more fundraising ideas, so if anyone has any awesome ideas, please let us know. If you aren't creative, please feel free to make a donation!!!
Here is my personal page, where you can make a donation in my name.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeCaliforniaDivision?px=4905971&pg=personal&fr_id=6793

My team and I are really excited about this, and we will keep you updated here. Love you all!

Goodbye 2007

2008-01-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

I would like to take this time to give thanks for 2007. There are lots of things I am thankful for:
1. My mom and her health-- her getting sick was definitely the scariest thing that has happened to me and I am so blessed to have her around.
2. The gift of experience--any and all experiences are gifts
3. The gift of a lesson--I definitely made some mistakes this year, and got caught up in a relationship where I constantly set myself up for heartbreak. But I learned what I am capable of with God, I learned how strong I can be when I feel I am the weakest, I learned the true power of love lies in how we are able to love another even while they continually hurt us.
4. Graduating--College is so much better than high school!
5. My big sister--I feel like we got a lot closer this year, and we understand one another better, or at least we try to
6. My college friends-- It's funny how quickly strangers can become your family. I have never been able to say that I have a good group of friends who love and support me and include me, but now I do. I love them dearly and thank God for putting these amazing women in my life.

I know my big sis doesn't believe in resolutions, but I do. So sorry sis, but here they are. I am giving myself permission to begin again.

1. In 2008, I must be much more careful with my heart. I can only entrust it in God's care, not the care of some guy.
2. In 2008 I will "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14
3. In 2008, I will learn to love myself.

So

2007-12-12T19:38:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I begin 99.9% of my blogs with "So"...I'm gonna work on that. Two finals down, one to go. Micro was all right, psych was very easy, anatomy shouldn't be too bad. I can't believe the semester is over with all ready! I won't say it went by quickly because it didn't. I look around here and feel like I've lived here for years, that I've known the people I see for years. I am so blessed with my friends here though. They are so encouraging and so loving; we have so much fun every day laughing at ourselves, it's so healthy. I can't wait to be home, but I feel torn. I am going to miss my friends SO much...There isn't really anything new to report but I wanted to write anyway. 24 hours from now I will be at home, probably watching Janae's christmas concert!

my mother

2007-12-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

So this weekend we were out at a club and I left my phone in my car. When I got back I got a text message from a random number saying "hey guys, i just wanted to let you know that my mom died tonight at 5:30, please pray for me" and I started to panic. I called the number but didn't recognize the voice on the voicemail. Today I found out it was a dear friend at school, Christabel. And I never even met her mom and I started crying. I am still crying. To be at one of the scariest and most important times in one's life and to not have your mom, your mommy there is the most devastating feeling to me. I am devastated for her. Since February, I would like to think that my life changed drastically when my mom got sick and since I have not gone a day without saying I love you to her, when I see her I hug her every chance I can, and I try to never once forget to appreciate and thank God for putting this amazing woman in my life. This amazing woman that if I ever lost I don't know what I would do. I would lose the ability to function, she is the color in my life and inspires me daily to look for the best in all situations, days and people. My mother, is my hero. She is so beautiful, on the outside but especially on the inside. She has a heart of gold and a lovely soul. If you read this and don't know her, you should. She has this amazing capacity to love which resembles Christs so intelligently. And to think of my life without this woman, this incredibly woman just hurts me to the core. So please, if you are reading this, pray for Christabel, pray for her family, and hug your mommy every chance you can.

"All that I am or ever hope to be--I owe it all to my mother"

........switching gears here...This weekend was epic! Friday night we saw Chris Brown at a private concert in long beach. He is GORGEOUS and I would gladly have his babies haha. But unfortunately there were so many people pushing and shoving that I had a panic attack, started shaking, my knees locked and I couldn't move. My lovely friend helped me to the bathroom from where we could hear the rest of the concert. It was fun anyway.

And the next night we went clubbing which was seriously SO much fun. It's about time I got out and started living it up anyway.

life lessons

2007-11-18T20:29:00.001-08:00

I learned a lot about a friend from a conversation I had with him. He said "I'm living for me right now, I'm doing whatever I want to make me happy." And I think it hurt not because it was him saying it, it was the fact that I had realized something when he said that. I was so naive about the people in the world that I truly believed that no one would knowingly cause another person, especially one they called a best friend, harm for their own benefit, their own happiness. What I learned is that I was very wrong. And so there I was, face to face with the truth that changed my world. I think that part of growing up is learning that everything you hoped was one way, really isnt. Not everyone goes through life wanting to help other people, putting others before themselves and perhaps I just need to accept it as a difference in personality instead of a piece of the human condition in which people want the best for each other, not just for themselves.
So I'm not sad. And it's weird because after all of the discussions that happened over the past few days, I normally would be. And maybe its good because it means I really have changed this time--or he's used up all the sadness and anger and pain and hurt and brokeness left inside of me until all that is now left, is me, raw, defined, revealed, whole. Just me. Is that even possible? He told me I miss you, and I said it back, but its not what I meant. What I meant was that I don't miss him--I miss who I thought he was.

anger

2007-11-13T10:08:00.001-08:00

So I'm feeling better. And you may be asking "well why is her title 'Angry'?" and I suppose its a little complicated. My muscles still hurt, my joints hurt, I'm still tired, but I think my attitude has changed and I am feeling slightly less stressed. Yes, I have a HUGE test in Anatomy that could make for break my nursing career (you think one test shouldn't be so epic but it really is). But I'm not letting myself get stressed because I am finally letting go of a lot of things. I am letting go of my stress. It doesn't help me. And yes, I have a lot to do this week, but it's Tuesday and I've all ready knocked of 3 of the 6 big things I have to accomplish, half-way there with the help of the Lord's unfailing love. I love that, unfailing love. But this whole attitude change came about when I got angry at my "best friend" instead of the usual feeling of being hurt by him. I let myself get hurt, but not anymore. And I used to let myself get hurt because I didn't want to be angry, I didn't want to lose him. News flash Sarah, I'm not losing anything. I am angry because of all that I gave him, all the effort, all the strength, all the love. I fought for that friendship, against myself, against the attitudes of those I love so dearly. And then I have to twist his arm to get to act as though he cares. As far as he is concerned, according the lovely words of Jo Dee Messina "my give a damn's busted." So my new outlook. Fight only for things worth fighting for, myself, my relationships that are productive, and most importantly, my relationship with Christ. Among all else, the latter is the only thing worth fighting for. And as much as I fear losing the former, there will come a day when I don't have that.
ps. My sister Michaela is AMAZING! I don't think I have ever give her enough credit, but that girl, she's got some things figured out, and I am so blessed to have such an incredible big sister who can offer such wisdom, guidance and insight.

betrayal

2007-11-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

OK so here's the thing...I'm a little bit frustrated because I am feeling betrayed. Now I have dealt with betrayal before, from friends and sometimes even family I have felt betrayed. But now I'm feeling betrayed by my own body. For some reason, it's not doing its job and I hate that. I know I need to be patient and wait for the tests to come back, it's just I'm scared they will all come back negative. If this is what stress does to me then I am pretty much screwed for the next four years and don't know how I will make it. Four years (ok, three and a half at this point) seems so daunting when I physically feel like I am an 87 year old who has been hit by a truck, with random sore throats and headaches thrown in for good measure. My body is failing me when I need it the most and I don't know what I can do about it.

"...But he said to me "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak I am strong."

"Wait for the Lord...

2007-11-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

...be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord"

So thats what I've been trying to do lately. With all the stress, and physical pain of this sickness, and wondering what is causing this sickness, is making me anxious. And the bible says to be anxious in nothing. I had advisement today which was good. It kind of gave me a look at what classes I will be taking for the next three and a half years, which when I look at it on one piece of paper, it doesn't seem like that much. The bummer is that because I have to fill the requirements for both the Bachelor of Science and my RN, there is little room for taking classes that I want to take--like fun classes. Art/music only fits into one semester, for like one or two units only. But, it's going to pay off. And I trust that everything will work out according to God's plan.

Stress

2007-10-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

So I'm WAY stressed out. Like probably more stressed out than Ihave ever been. The only thing I can compare it to was my most stressful time in high school, when I was at school from 7 in the morning to 8 or 9 at night, and then had to begin the massive amounts of homework, projects, and studying for tests that comes from taking so many AP's-its like that level of stress every single day. I had a bad day today for these reasons:
1) There was no cold water in the shower. Usually there is no hot water, but today it was scalding. Not the way I want to start my morning.
2) It took like 20 minutes to print my lecture slides this morning because dumb people were practically printing novels.
3)The highest grade for our micro exam was a C, the average was an F...I don't know what I got and quite honestly don't want to know yet...its all ready been a bad enough day.
4)I was so excited last week when I finally figured out my bacteria, the gram-stain, morphology, all of that lovely stuff. I had to do the gram-stain three times, and the third time I even did it with my lecture professor. Found out today from my lab instructor that hmm...it was wrong!!! I started crying in class. Cool
5) I think I'm really sick. I'm always tired. I get really cold really easily. I shake when I wake up. I feel like an old woman. Since i've been at school I have felt like I am always on the verge of getting sick, but haven't had full-blown cold or anything. So I'm going to see the nurse-practitioner tomorrow.

I'm also really homesick, even though I was just home this weekend. I had a break down today...Sis, maybe you could pray that I figure out what is wrong with me???

college!!!

2007-09-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

"Interracial Tupacs"

I am having such a lovely week. It was supposed to be really stressful and difficult, which it kind of was with all of my exams and a speech, and an exam on Tuesday...but I've got such great friends here! They are such sweet girls and we spend so much time laughing our heads off at one another...I sometimes forget how healing and important laughter is. Im in such a good place emotionally, even with all the stress I am happy and in such a good mood. I am so blessed. here is what we spend some of our time NOT studying (these are just breaks, we spend a lot of time studying together, really)

College Life

2007-09-13T07:32:00.001-07:00

So the cool thing about college life is the down time. Like yeah, I could spend a lot of time studying, and in fact I really do, but every once in a while if you get super lucky, you dont have to study all evening long. Especially when you get stuff done way ahead of time which I am actually doing. I am coming home this weekend and don't want to have to bring too much work home. I want to enjoy my family. I want to join the choir but they don't have another rehearsal until next week so thats kind of a bummer. I'm dying to sing again. It got me through some pretty rough years. It's weird how all of a sudden I am so much more conscious about my health. I mean, I was before, but now I guess its more extreme. Probably because now I have the decision of what goes in my mouth, and I take that decision very seriously.

It's weird how relationships change once you go to college. I feel so torn between the life I am starting here, and the life I left in Ojai. I feel like I can't be there for some people the way I want to be there, and I hate that.

a royal mess up

2007-09-03T18:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I messed up royally. And being home, or my other home makes it really difficult to make things right. Actually, even if I was home home I wouldn't know how to make things right. And it was so strange to be a guest in my own house. And its even stranger being here, feeling like I don't belong at my own house anymore, but that I'm not entirely sure I belong here. Knowing that I did something that made me leave on a bad note just kills me inside. I don't know what is right or wrong about it anymore. How far does turning the other cheeck go? Where is the line between helping someone and enabling them to use you? The whole situation is no one's fault but my own. I realize that as an adult its time to deal with the consequences of my own actions, of my own decisions, and maybe in the midst of the emotions and struggle, time to make a change. If only I knew which change to make.

Mama I'm a big girl now

2007-08-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hey...so saying goodbye to Mom, Dad and sisters was hands down the hardest part about yesterday. And then to have to just keep going with the activities proved a particularly difficult challenge as well. But thats how life at college is probably going to be. I may get sad but I can't just stop all that I am doing to cry and whine....that's not going to fly around here. I just have to keep going. So it was good. I didn't do every single little activity planned, and I am capable of meeting people without running around campus for a scavenger hunt. I've made friends all ready, which is actually a huge suprise for me. And most everyone is so nice and they are here to meet people. My roommate still isn't here so it may ALL change when she shows up, but who knows. I know that God has a plan and its all going to work out how he wants it to. Love ya!

2007-08-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would share my favorite painting...Don't worry Michaela, I wouldn't publish the most recent one. But I think I want to do one more before I go but I really need to do some soul searching first. I think this one is called 'Her Hope'.

A Fresh Start...

2007-08-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

So I am basically thrilled about school. This morning I woke up and thought that next Saturday couldn't come soon enough. I pretty much realized that I really have an exciting time ahead of me. Brittany and I were talking the other day when we were at lunch saying how college is going to be our time. We didn't really have it in high school, maybe second semester of senior year, but we didn't live it up as much as we probably could have, but now we are living it up! And I realized that I am starting with a completely clean slate. No one at school has a previous impression of me, or have heard something about me from someone, or remember me for something dumb I did when I was in 5th grade. No one will know any of the crazy stupid mistakes I have made. Its not that I intend to completely reinvent myself when I go to school like some people do. I intend to become a better version of myself. I am giving myself permission daily, hourly, to begin again because God gives me opportunities, daily and hourly, to begin again, to start fresh. Leaving Ojai the way I am, without as strong of a friend base as I have had in the past is probably the best thing for me, because I really want to make friends. I want to and am ready to be the one who introduces herself first, who leaves her door open, who puts herself out there. (My secret plan is just to be the one with lots of food, then everyone will love me, right? hehe) But seriously, opportunities like this, starting totally fresh, won't come around again very often. I think its something special thats going on. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me, I know that everything, me going to Mt St Mary's, my unknown roommate, not having a car for a while, is all a part of his plan and I cannot wait to see how it all fits into His perfect plan.

Grace

2007-07-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

2nd Corinthians 12:5-10
"But I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool because I would be speaking turth...But he said to me "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak I am strong."

I have been thinking recently about this whole situation of myself, trying to analyze is in my mind, and come up with an explanation as to why I still feel depressed and have always felt that way, why I have always wanted a guy in my life. The best response I can come up with is this. The Christ I know who made me and knows me gave me my strengths, but more important than my strengths are my weaknesses. They are the certain habitual failures, desires other than Christ that cause me to return to him. I talked to mom the other day when I was happy because I felt like I had been healed from my depression. Only now do I feel as though it was only a small enlightenment, a revelation regarding it. I now think of it differently; If I was happy of my own accord, I would not need to return to Jesus and find joy in his incredible Love for me, joy in returning to his heart, joy in his pursuit of my heart, joy in his besitos, joy in his Grace. I struggle daily with sadness, and perhaps I will my entire life, but I think I now have the awareness and knowledge of the purpose of my sadness. I asked you the other day why you thought I have been boy crazy from the start, and the only one of us with such an intense longing for that kind of relationship. I have always desired someone to whom I would give my heart, who would take care of it and would want me. I believe now that that longing, that emptiness, is not meant for a guy to fill. It is meant for God to fill. God loves me just as I am, not who I am capable of being. And he loves my weaknesses because they are what allow me to need him, what require that I return to him and call on his truly amazing Grace to restore my heart, fulfill my longer, and bring me joy.

A New Identity

2007-07-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

To avoid the ever dreaded novel, this is just the start of all that I am learning...

I am a woman. An image bearer of God. The crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my fiance, Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power And I am needed

As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong, and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life-in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awaked heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty.

I am needed. I need to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that he placed within me so that I will come alive to him and to the role that is mine to play. Perhaps I am meant to be a concert musician or a teacher. Perhaps I am meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer. Perhaps I am to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill. I am certainly called to be a woman, wherever else he leads me.

And this is crucial. Whatever my particular calling, I am meant to grace the world with my dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever he leads me. He will lead me first to himself; and then, with him, he will lead me into the world that he loves and needs me to love.

another novel ; )

2007-07-06T09:42:00.001-07:00

Or not...but last night Joaquin sure was...haha No but seriously. SO last night I went out with Joaquin and his friend but it wasn't really like me going out with them, it was me going there so I wouldn't have to wait around and drive back to pick them up. Got back around midnight. Don't ask me why I volunteer to do that because I have no idea, I just hate the thought of them not being smart because they dont have a ride. The past few days I have really realized how important all of the Reals are. They keep me in check, they remind me there is LIFE OUTSIDE OF OJAI! and that truly genuine people really do exist. I hope to stay close friends with them for a long time.

Got my digital camera yesterday, haven't quite figured out how to work it mostly because I can't figure out if it comes with the battery or if I have to go buy some special one? Maybe you can help me later because you know how dumb I can be. hmm what else is new? 4th was fun. Going to vta was the best idea mom and dad have had in a while and then we went to the Real's and met two of their friends. Oh my goodness these girls...ok I love them but it was the weirdest thing. I have never met someone my age that was SO different from me. I mean, I don't think we had a single thing in common regarding what we like to do, how we dress, any of our interests in anything, and they were quite possibly the COOLEST girls I have met in a long time. It was so great to see that there is SO much more to life than what I have seen thus far living in Ojai, you have something in common with everyone because in some ways, everyone here is the same. So i really enjoyed that experience.

OK so I read a really cool chapter in the book Captivating. It was entitled "Warrior Princess" and it talks about spiritual battle (mind you everything is in reference to a woman's heart). Here's a little of what I wrote in my journal. I want to share with you because I want you to pray for me. I can't tell you how frustrating it was to have this great revelation of sorts and not have anyone to grab and say "look what I learned!"

THere is a battle taking place every day, and it is a spiritual battle for my heart. In more ways than I ever before realized, and I hope will continue to realize, the Enemy is fighting to take my heart away from God and in many ways he has succeeded. Not only did he tell me countless lies about myself, and convinced me to believe them, he as also decieved me into thinking them as truths that I caused. So with having an eating disorder, being depressed, quick to anger and overall an inherent failure, he convinved me that (1) these things would never change and (2) I caused them. How deceitful and cunning is! And so I think that (and here's where I could use some discussion) my sin isn't just when I knowingly lie, or disobey mom and dad or just, do the obvious "thou shalt not's" but also when I give the Enemy "a foothold", when I allow him to convince me that his lies are truth. So the lies I have accepted as truth didn't come from myself, but from the Enemy. So he attacks me not just by tempting me, but by telling me these awful lies, that I am not good enough, not worth anything, that I have nothing of value to offer or to say, that I am too much trouble and am completely incapable. The other thing that Captivating aserts is that he also attacks relationships, especially toward women because women are made to be relational to the core. He doesn't want our relationships, especially the good ones to thrive, which is another way in which I have given him a foothold. (and here is where the G's might have had a point) Yes friends can grow apart, but he also attacks our relationships. WE feels that we have failed our friends, frustrated or irritated with them, and we leave ourselves in shame, isolation and resentment. "Now who do you suppose could have a vested interest in ruining your relationships?" Ever realize something and jsut sit back and say "whoa"? thats basically what I spent an hour doing yesterday morning. Now here is the cool part:

As a Christian and only with the power of Christ Jesus, I have the power to denounce the lies. To tell the Enemy to remove himself from me, from my relationships. Its a constant battle, but I am equip myself. Christ has fought for me before I was even born, and He will continue to fight for me. I, too, can choose to fight for myself. "Now often the hardest person to fight for is yourself." This was also a "oops, I missed that" moment. See when I made the decision to follow Christ (I think I was in Sunday school actually) I didn't realize all that I was deciding to do. I thought well I will follow him and fight to save other people's souls. but now I think that what comes first is fighting for myself, for my own heart. The rest will follow. "Much of what (God) allows in your life is not for you to simply accept, but to get you to rise up! God wants you to know how to weirld the weapons of warfare, how to take a stand, how to fight" Now it may be the most difficult thing I have set out to do, to fight for myself, Before now I believed that I wasn't worth fighting for. I now know my heart is precious, worth guarding from the Enemy and his lies, and worthy as an offering to Christ and, through his will, worth offering to others. I am worth fighting for. With Christ, I am enough. I have something beautiful to offer the world. With Christ, I am capable. and I am not just saying that, I believe it now, I could never have said that i believed that before. so I know this is another novel but Michaela, it's the most incredible realization I have ever had. And now that I believe it, I want you to be able to believe it to (for yourself). I have one more chapter to go, and then I want you to read this book. It has not only brought me back, but has helped to push me forward and has opened up a whole new realm of spirituality (if that makes sense?) Love you, can I pray for you? can I pray with you????

For My big sis

2007-06-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hello there sister! This one's just for you! Since we never see each other, here is an update on my life, as I expect one from yours.
I am through tutoring Sabina, which was really a lot of fun. She is such a sweet lady and I enjoyed her company. We had such good talks about how life is so different in Italy, and in some ways its completely the same. People's attitudes and outlooks seem so much healthier there, its all about living in the moment, enjoying oneself and one's family, and not wanting everything in life, but focusing on a few things. Who knows, if I end up liking Italy enough while I am there, I may end up studying it in college and moving there for a bit.

The babysitting is insane though. During the day we are at an old lady's home, which as you know means its not baby-proofed. And I have a four week old, and a one year old who always wants mom's attention. And the old lady is 91, so its like having 3 babies to look after all at once. Its crazy.

I have been really blessed with my time lately. During high school, I always complained about not having time and now that I have it I need to pray about how I can best use it, because it really is a gift. I have been getting back into the swing of reading my bible daily, and am working through Captivating. It's at this really interesting part where it talks about how much God wants to romance us, to have a relationship with us as women, not just as father and daughter or master and servant, but as lover and beloved. Song of Songs is a really good explanation of it. It has also helped, as I am sure you will like, with my outlook on the guy situation. I was so upset for the longest time because with the past two guys it was as if I wanted so badly and was so ready to give them my heart. And even though I consider both of them great guys, they would not be able to improve the condition of my heart but eventually, they would probably worsen it. But by giving my heart to God, not just in servitude but in love, He will not only heal all the previous wounds against my heart, but he will treasure it and find joy in transforming it. Thats real love right there. Not any of the fake stuff I though would be real. And I know it sounds corny but you should really read the book, it has some very good points. And for the first time, I felt proud of myself not because of who I am as an individual, but proud to be myself because I am a woman, because of all God had in mind when he created women. And just being born a woman I now consider a gift, though many throughout history have considered it a curse. The book invites women to unveil their beauty. Here's part of it that talks about enveiling beauty, or our feminine hearts:

Women who are sunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying "yes" when the world says "no". By paying the high price of loving truly and honsetly without demanding that they be loved in return.

It's scary, for sure. That is why it is our greatest expression of faith, because we are going to have to trust Jesus-really trust him. WE'llhave to trust him that we have a beauty, that what he said of us is true. And we'll have to trust him with how it goes when we offer it, because that is out of our control. We'll have to trust him when it hurts, and we'll have to trust him when we are finally seen and enjoyed. Thats why unveiling our beauty is how we live by faith.

Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope tht it will mater, that our beauty really does make a difference. WE hope there is a greater and higher Beauty, hope we are reflecting that beauty, and hope it will triumph. Our hope is that all si well because of Jesus and that all will be well because of him. So we unveil our beauty in hope. And finally, we unveil our beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are underway, Restoration has begun, To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.

And unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. That is how we love-from the heart. OUr focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. WE offer beauty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God, that is love.

THe other thing is that I know you have disagreed with any boy sitch I have brought to you. BUt I know God had a plan through all of that. I would never have known or valued what it meant to be romanced by God if I did not have had something to compare it to. That's just how I learn. So the heartbreak, I can now say, was all a part of God's plan. I never understood completely what it meant to not just Love God but to be in love with him, which is just as important. I feel like for the first time I understand what it means to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Of course I have all ready made "the commitment" to him or whatever they call it these days, and I guess to a certain degree that was me walking by faith, because as a kid I didn't know really anything about temptation or sin except for the obvious obey your father and mother deal. but now that I have faced so many other challenges I am glad I chose to follow Christ before I realized what it meant. Not that I don't like what I have learned, I'm just glad the events in my life and my previous belief and faith in Christ have led me to the understanding I now have. Does that make any sense to you?

So I guess this blog thing could also be a prayer request for you and me? so ok here's a big one
1. The first would be about all I have learned. It seems in my walk with Christ I take five steps forward and two steps back. Maybe pray that I can fall in love with him more and more each day. That I can see myself as he sees me, and seek Him and His truth about all situations. I want my heart to be at rest with him and in him. Not constantly striving to be perfect and to look perfect and be what I think people want me to be.
ok novels almost over...

Anyway, would love to hear what you think. Love you!