college!!!

"Interracial Tupacs"

I am having such a lovely week. It was supposed to be really stressful and difficult, which it kind of was with all of my exams and a speech, and an exam on Tuesday...but I've got such great friends here! They are such sweet girls and we spend so much time laughing our heads off at one another...I sometimes forget how healing and important laughter is. Im in such a good place emotionally, even with all the stress I am happy and in such a good mood. I am so blessed. here is what we spend some of our time NOT studying (these are just breaks, we spend a lot of time studying together, really)

College Life

So the cool thing about college life is the down time. Like yeah, I could spend a lot of time studying, and in fact I really do, but every once in a while if you get super lucky, you dont have to study all evening long. Especially when you get stuff done way ahead of time which I am actually doing. I am coming home this weekend and don't want to have to bring too much work home. I want to enjoy my family. I want to join the choir but they don't have another rehearsal until next week so thats kind of a bummer. I'm dying to sing again. It got me through some pretty rough years. It's weird how all of a sudden I am so much more conscious about my health. I mean, I was before, but now I guess its more extreme. Probably because now I have the decision of what goes in my mouth, and I take that decision very seriously.

It's weird how relationships change once you go to college. I feel so torn between the life I am starting here, and the life I left in Ojai. I feel like I can't be there for some people the way I want to be there, and I hate that.

a royal mess up

Well, I messed up royally. And being home, or my other home makes it really difficult to make things right. Actually, even if I was home home I wouldn't know how to make things right. And it was so strange to be a guest in my own house. And its even stranger being here, feeling like I don't belong at my own house anymore, but that I'm not entirely sure I belong here. Knowing that I did something that made me leave on a bad note just kills me inside. I don't know what is right or wrong about it anymore. How far does turning the other cheeck go? Where is the line between helping someone and enabling them to use you? The whole situation is no one's fault but my own. I realize that as an adult its time to deal with the consequences of my own actions, of my own decisions, and maybe in the midst of the emotions and struggle, time to make a change. If only I knew which change to make.