life lessons

I learned a lot about a friend from a conversation I had with him. He said "I'm living for me right now, I'm doing whatever I want to make me happy." And I think it hurt not because it was him saying it, it was the fact that I had realized something when he said that. I was so naive about the people in the world that I truly believed that no one would knowingly cause another person, especially one they called a best friend, harm for their own benefit, their own happiness. What I learned is that I was very wrong. And so there I was, face to face with the truth that changed my world. I think that part of growing up is learning that everything you hoped was one way, really isnt. Not everyone goes through life wanting to help other people, putting others before themselves and perhaps I just need to accept it as a difference in personality instead of a piece of the human condition in which people want the best for each other, not just for themselves.
So I'm not sad. And it's weird because after all of the discussions that happened over the past few days, I normally would be. And maybe its good because it means I really have changed this time--or he's used up all the sadness and anger and pain and hurt and brokeness left inside of me until all that is now left, is me, raw, defined, revealed, whole. Just me. Is that even possible? He told me I miss you, and I said it back, but its not what I meant. What I meant was that I don't miss him--I miss who I thought he was.

anger

So I'm feeling better. And you may be asking "well why is her title 'Angry'?" and I suppose its a little complicated. My muscles still hurt, my joints hurt, I'm still tired, but I think my attitude has changed and I am feeling slightly less stressed. Yes, I have a HUGE test in Anatomy that could make for break my nursing career (you think one test shouldn't be so epic but it really is). But I'm not letting myself get stressed because I am finally letting go of a lot of things. I am letting go of my stress. It doesn't help me. And yes, I have a lot to do this week, but it's Tuesday and I've all ready knocked of 3 of the 6 big things I have to accomplish, half-way there with the help of the Lord's unfailing love. I love that, unfailing love. But this whole attitude change came about when I got angry at my "best friend" instead of the usual feeling of being hurt by him. I let myself get hurt, but not anymore. And I used to let myself get hurt because I didn't want to be angry, I didn't want to lose him. News flash Sarah, I'm not losing anything. I am angry because of all that I gave him, all the effort, all the strength, all the love. I fought for that friendship, against myself, against the attitudes of those I love so dearly. And then I have to twist his arm to get to act as though he cares. As far as he is concerned, according the lovely words of Jo Dee Messina "my give a damn's busted." So my new outlook. Fight only for things worth fighting for, myself, my relationships that are productive, and most importantly, my relationship with Christ. Among all else, the latter is the only thing worth fighting for. And as much as I fear losing the former, there will come a day when I don't have that.
ps. My sister Michaela is AMAZING! I don't think I have ever give her enough credit, but that girl, she's got some things figured out, and I am so blessed to have such an incredible big sister who can offer such wisdom, guidance and insight.

betrayal

OK so here's the thing...I'm a little bit frustrated because I am feeling betrayed. Now I have dealt with betrayal before, from friends and sometimes even family I have felt betrayed. But now I'm feeling betrayed by my own body. For some reason, it's not doing its job and I hate that. I know I need to be patient and wait for the tests to come back, it's just I'm scared they will all come back negative. If this is what stress does to me then I am pretty much screwed for the next four years and don't know how I will make it. Four years (ok, three and a half at this point) seems so daunting when I physically feel like I am an 87 year old who has been hit by a truck, with random sore throats and headaches thrown in for good measure. My body is failing me when I need it the most and I don't know what I can do about it.

"...But he said to me "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak I am strong."

"Wait for the Lord...

...be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord"

So thats what I've been trying to do lately. With all the stress, and physical pain of this sickness, and wondering what is causing this sickness, is making me anxious. And the bible says to be anxious in nothing. I had advisement today which was good. It kind of gave me a look at what classes I will be taking for the next three and a half years, which when I look at it on one piece of paper, it doesn't seem like that much. The bummer is that because I have to fill the requirements for both the Bachelor of Science and my RN, there is little room for taking classes that I want to take--like fun classes. Art/music only fits into one semester, for like one or two units only. But, it's going to pay off. And I trust that everything will work out according to God's plan.