Grace

2nd Corinthians 12:5-10
"But I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool because I would be speaking turth...But he said to me "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak I am strong."

I have been thinking recently about this whole situation of myself, trying to analyze is in my mind, and come up with an explanation as to why I still feel depressed and have always felt that way, why I have always wanted a guy in my life. The best response I can come up with is this. The Christ I know who made me and knows me gave me my strengths, but more important than my strengths are my weaknesses. They are the certain habitual failures, desires other than Christ that cause me to return to him. I talked to mom the other day when I was happy because I felt like I had been healed from my depression. Only now do I feel as though it was only a small enlightenment, a revelation regarding it. I now think of it differently; If I was happy of my own accord, I would not need to return to Jesus and find joy in his incredible Love for me, joy in returning to his heart, joy in his pursuit of my heart, joy in his besitos, joy in his Grace. I struggle daily with sadness, and perhaps I will my entire life, but I think I now have the awareness and knowledge of the purpose of my sadness. I asked you the other day why you thought I have been boy crazy from the start, and the only one of us with such an intense longing for that kind of relationship. I have always desired someone to whom I would give my heart, who would take care of it and would want me. I believe now that that longing, that emptiness, is not meant for a guy to fill. It is meant for God to fill. God loves me just as I am, not who I am capable of being. And he loves my weaknesses because they are what allow me to need him, what require that I return to him and call on his truly amazing Grace to restore my heart, fulfill my longer, and bring me joy.

A New Identity

To avoid the ever dreaded novel, this is just the start of all that I am learning...

I am a woman. An image bearer of God. The crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my fiance, Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power And I am needed

As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong, and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life-in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awaked heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty.

I am needed. I need to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that he placed within me so that I will come alive to him and to the role that is mine to play. Perhaps I am meant to be a concert musician or a teacher. Perhaps I am meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer. Perhaps I am to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill. I am certainly called to be a woman, wherever else he leads me.

And this is crucial. Whatever my particular calling, I am meant to grace the world with my dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever he leads me. He will lead me first to himself; and then, with him, he will lead me into the world that he loves and needs me to love.

another novel ; )

Or not...but last night Joaquin sure was...haha No but seriously. SO last night I went out with Joaquin and his friend but it wasn't really like me going out with them, it was me going there so I wouldn't have to wait around and drive back to pick them up. Got back around midnight. Don't ask me why I volunteer to do that because I have no idea, I just hate the thought of them not being smart because they dont have a ride. The past few days I have really realized how important all of the Reals are. They keep me in check, they remind me there is LIFE OUTSIDE OF OJAI! and that truly genuine people really do exist. I hope to stay close friends with them for a long time.

Got my digital camera yesterday, haven't quite figured out how to work it mostly because I can't figure out if it comes with the battery or if I have to go buy some special one? Maybe you can help me later because you know how dumb I can be. hmm what else is new? 4th was fun. Going to vta was the best idea mom and dad have had in a while and then we went to the Real's and met two of their friends. Oh my goodness these girls...ok I love them but it was the weirdest thing. I have never met someone my age that was SO different from me. I mean, I don't think we had a single thing in common regarding what we like to do, how we dress, any of our interests in anything, and they were quite possibly the COOLEST girls I have met in a long time. It was so great to see that there is SO much more to life than what I have seen thus far living in Ojai, you have something in common with everyone because in some ways, everyone here is the same. So i really enjoyed that experience.

OK so I read a really cool chapter in the book Captivating. It was entitled "Warrior Princess" and it talks about spiritual battle (mind you everything is in reference to a woman's heart). Here's a little of what I wrote in my journal. I want to share with you because I want you to pray for me. I can't tell you how frustrating it was to have this great revelation of sorts and not have anyone to grab and say "look what I learned!"

THere is a battle taking place every day, and it is a spiritual battle for my heart. In more ways than I ever before realized, and I hope will continue to realize, the Enemy is fighting to take my heart away from God and in many ways he has succeeded. Not only did he tell me countless lies about myself, and convinced me to believe them, he as also decieved me into thinking them as truths that I caused. So with having an eating disorder, being depressed, quick to anger and overall an inherent failure, he convinved me that (1) these things would never change and (2) I caused them. How deceitful and cunning is! And so I think that (and here's where I could use some discussion) my sin isn't just when I knowingly lie, or disobey mom and dad or just, do the obvious "thou shalt not's" but also when I give the Enemy "a foothold", when I allow him to convince me that his lies are truth. So the lies I have accepted as truth didn't come from myself, but from the Enemy. So he attacks me not just by tempting me, but by telling me these awful lies, that I am not good enough, not worth anything, that I have nothing of value to offer or to say, that I am too much trouble and am completely incapable. The other thing that Captivating aserts is that he also attacks relationships, especially toward women because women are made to be relational to the core. He doesn't want our relationships, especially the good ones to thrive, which is another way in which I have given him a foothold. (and here is where the G's might have had a point) Yes friends can grow apart, but he also attacks our relationships. WE feels that we have failed our friends, frustrated or irritated with them, and we leave ourselves in shame, isolation and resentment. "Now who do you suppose could have a vested interest in ruining your relationships?" Ever realize something and jsut sit back and say "whoa"? thats basically what I spent an hour doing yesterday morning. Now here is the cool part:

As a Christian and only with the power of Christ Jesus, I have the power to denounce the lies. To tell the Enemy to remove himself from me, from my relationships. Its a constant battle, but I am equip myself. Christ has fought for me before I was even born, and He will continue to fight for me. I, too, can choose to fight for myself. "Now often the hardest person to fight for is yourself." This was also a "oops, I missed that" moment. See when I made the decision to follow Christ (I think I was in Sunday school actually) I didn't realize all that I was deciding to do. I thought well I will follow him and fight to save other people's souls. but now I think that what comes first is fighting for myself, for my own heart. The rest will follow. "Much of what (God) allows in your life is not for you to simply accept, but to get you to rise up! God wants you to know how to weirld the weapons of warfare, how to take a stand, how to fight" Now it may be the most difficult thing I have set out to do, to fight for myself, Before now I believed that I wasn't worth fighting for. I now know my heart is precious, worth guarding from the Enemy and his lies, and worthy as an offering to Christ and, through his will, worth offering to others. I am worth fighting for. With Christ, I am enough. I have something beautiful to offer the world. With Christ, I am capable. and I am not just saying that, I believe it now, I could never have said that i believed that before. so I know this is another novel but Michaela, it's the most incredible realization I have ever had. And now that I believe it, I want you to be able to believe it to (for yourself). I have one more chapter to go, and then I want you to read this book. It has not only brought me back, but has helped to push me forward and has opened up a whole new realm of spirituality (if that makes sense?) Love you, can I pray for you? can I pray with you????