So

I just realized that I begin 99.9% of my blogs with "So"...I'm gonna work on that. Two finals down, one to go. Micro was all right, psych was very easy, anatomy shouldn't be too bad. I can't believe the semester is over with all ready! I won't say it went by quickly because it didn't. I look around here and feel like I've lived here for years, that I've known the people I see for years. I am so blessed with my friends here though. They are so encouraging and so loving; we have so much fun every day laughing at ourselves, it's so healthy. I can't wait to be home, but I feel torn. I am going to miss my friends SO much...There isn't really anything new to report but I wanted to write anyway. 24 hours from now I will be at home, probably watching Janae's christmas concert!

my mother

So this weekend we were out at a club and I left my phone in my car. When I got back I got a text message from a random number saying "hey guys, i just wanted to let you know that my mom died tonight at 5:30, please pray for me" and I started to panic. I called the number but didn't recognize the voice on the voicemail. Today I found out it was a dear friend at school, Christabel. And I never even met her mom and I started crying. I am still crying. To be at one of the scariest and most important times in one's life and to not have your mom, your mommy there is the most devastating feeling to me. I am devastated for her. Since February, I would like to think that my life changed drastically when my mom got sick and since I have not gone a day without saying I love you to her, when I see her I hug her every chance I can, and I try to never once forget to appreciate and thank God for putting this amazing woman in my life. This amazing woman that if I ever lost I don't know what I would do. I would lose the ability to function, she is the color in my life and inspires me daily to look for the best in all situations, days and people. My mother, is my hero. She is so beautiful, on the outside but especially on the inside. She has a heart of gold and a lovely soul. If you read this and don't know her, you should. She has this amazing capacity to love which resembles Christs so intelligently. And to think of my life without this woman, this incredibly woman just hurts me to the core. So please, if you are reading this, pray for Christabel, pray for her family, and hug your mommy every chance you can.

"All that I am or ever hope to be--I owe it all to my mother"

........switching gears here...This weekend was epic! Friday night we saw Chris Brown at a private concert in long beach. He is GORGEOUS and I would gladly have his babies haha. But unfortunately there were so many people pushing and shoving that I had a panic attack, started shaking, my knees locked and I couldn't move. My lovely friend helped me to the bathroom from where we could hear the rest of the concert. It was fun anyway.

And the next night we went clubbing which was seriously SO much fun. It's about time I got out and started living it up anyway.

life lessons

I learned a lot about a friend from a conversation I had with him. He said "I'm living for me right now, I'm doing whatever I want to make me happy." And I think it hurt not because it was him saying it, it was the fact that I had realized something when he said that. I was so naive about the people in the world that I truly believed that no one would knowingly cause another person, especially one they called a best friend, harm for their own benefit, their own happiness. What I learned is that I was very wrong. And so there I was, face to face with the truth that changed my world. I think that part of growing up is learning that everything you hoped was one way, really isnt. Not everyone goes through life wanting to help other people, putting others before themselves and perhaps I just need to accept it as a difference in personality instead of a piece of the human condition in which people want the best for each other, not just for themselves.
So I'm not sad. And it's weird because after all of the discussions that happened over the past few days, I normally would be. And maybe its good because it means I really have changed this time--or he's used up all the sadness and anger and pain and hurt and brokeness left inside of me until all that is now left, is me, raw, defined, revealed, whole. Just me. Is that even possible? He told me I miss you, and I said it back, but its not what I meant. What I meant was that I don't miss him--I miss who I thought he was.

anger

So I'm feeling better. And you may be asking "well why is her title 'Angry'?" and I suppose its a little complicated. My muscles still hurt, my joints hurt, I'm still tired, but I think my attitude has changed and I am feeling slightly less stressed. Yes, I have a HUGE test in Anatomy that could make for break my nursing career (you think one test shouldn't be so epic but it really is). But I'm not letting myself get stressed because I am finally letting go of a lot of things. I am letting go of my stress. It doesn't help me. And yes, I have a lot to do this week, but it's Tuesday and I've all ready knocked of 3 of the 6 big things I have to accomplish, half-way there with the help of the Lord's unfailing love. I love that, unfailing love. But this whole attitude change came about when I got angry at my "best friend" instead of the usual feeling of being hurt by him. I let myself get hurt, but not anymore. And I used to let myself get hurt because I didn't want to be angry, I didn't want to lose him. News flash Sarah, I'm not losing anything. I am angry because of all that I gave him, all the effort, all the strength, all the love. I fought for that friendship, against myself, against the attitudes of those I love so dearly. And then I have to twist his arm to get to act as though he cares. As far as he is concerned, according the lovely words of Jo Dee Messina "my give a damn's busted." So my new outlook. Fight only for things worth fighting for, myself, my relationships that are productive, and most importantly, my relationship with Christ. Among all else, the latter is the only thing worth fighting for. And as much as I fear losing the former, there will come a day when I don't have that.
ps. My sister Michaela is AMAZING! I don't think I have ever give her enough credit, but that girl, she's got some things figured out, and I am so blessed to have such an incredible big sister who can offer such wisdom, guidance and insight.

betrayal

OK so here's the thing...I'm a little bit frustrated because I am feeling betrayed. Now I have dealt with betrayal before, from friends and sometimes even family I have felt betrayed. But now I'm feeling betrayed by my own body. For some reason, it's not doing its job and I hate that. I know I need to be patient and wait for the tests to come back, it's just I'm scared they will all come back negative. If this is what stress does to me then I am pretty much screwed for the next four years and don't know how I will make it. Four years (ok, three and a half at this point) seems so daunting when I physically feel like I am an 87 year old who has been hit by a truck, with random sore throats and headaches thrown in for good measure. My body is failing me when I need it the most and I don't know what I can do about it.

"...But he said to me "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak I am strong."

"Wait for the Lord...

...be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord"

So thats what I've been trying to do lately. With all the stress, and physical pain of this sickness, and wondering what is causing this sickness, is making me anxious. And the bible says to be anxious in nothing. I had advisement today which was good. It kind of gave me a look at what classes I will be taking for the next three and a half years, which when I look at it on one piece of paper, it doesn't seem like that much. The bummer is that because I have to fill the requirements for both the Bachelor of Science and my RN, there is little room for taking classes that I want to take--like fun classes. Art/music only fits into one semester, for like one or two units only. But, it's going to pay off. And I trust that everything will work out according to God's plan.

Stress

So I'm WAY stressed out. Like probably more stressed out than Ihave ever been. The only thing I can compare it to was my most stressful time in high school, when I was at school from 7 in the morning to 8 or 9 at night, and then had to begin the massive amounts of homework, projects, and studying for tests that comes from taking so many AP's-its like that level of stress every single day. I had a bad day today for these reasons:
1) There was no cold water in the shower. Usually there is no hot water, but today it was scalding. Not the way I want to start my morning.
2) It took like 20 minutes to print my lecture slides this morning because dumb people were practically printing novels.
3)The highest grade for our micro exam was a C, the average was an F...I don't know what I got and quite honestly don't want to know yet...its all ready been a bad enough day.
4)I was so excited last week when I finally figured out my bacteria, the gram-stain, morphology, all of that lovely stuff. I had to do the gram-stain three times, and the third time I even did it with my lecture professor. Found out today from my lab instructor that hmm...it was wrong!!! I started crying in class. Cool
5) I think I'm really sick. I'm always tired. I get really cold really easily. I shake when I wake up. I feel like an old woman. Since i've been at school I have felt like I am always on the verge of getting sick, but haven't had full-blown cold or anything. So I'm going to see the nurse-practitioner tomorrow.

I'm also really homesick, even though I was just home this weekend. I had a break down today...Sis, maybe you could pray that I figure out what is wrong with me???

college!!!

"Interracial Tupacs"

I am having such a lovely week. It was supposed to be really stressful and difficult, which it kind of was with all of my exams and a speech, and an exam on Tuesday...but I've got such great friends here! They are such sweet girls and we spend so much time laughing our heads off at one another...I sometimes forget how healing and important laughter is. Im in such a good place emotionally, even with all the stress I am happy and in such a good mood. I am so blessed. here is what we spend some of our time NOT studying (these are just breaks, we spend a lot of time studying together, really)

College Life

So the cool thing about college life is the down time. Like yeah, I could spend a lot of time studying, and in fact I really do, but every once in a while if you get super lucky, you dont have to study all evening long. Especially when you get stuff done way ahead of time which I am actually doing. I am coming home this weekend and don't want to have to bring too much work home. I want to enjoy my family. I want to join the choir but they don't have another rehearsal until next week so thats kind of a bummer. I'm dying to sing again. It got me through some pretty rough years. It's weird how all of a sudden I am so much more conscious about my health. I mean, I was before, but now I guess its more extreme. Probably because now I have the decision of what goes in my mouth, and I take that decision very seriously.

It's weird how relationships change once you go to college. I feel so torn between the life I am starting here, and the life I left in Ojai. I feel like I can't be there for some people the way I want to be there, and I hate that.

a royal mess up

Well, I messed up royally. And being home, or my other home makes it really difficult to make things right. Actually, even if I was home home I wouldn't know how to make things right. And it was so strange to be a guest in my own house. And its even stranger being here, feeling like I don't belong at my own house anymore, but that I'm not entirely sure I belong here. Knowing that I did something that made me leave on a bad note just kills me inside. I don't know what is right or wrong about it anymore. How far does turning the other cheeck go? Where is the line between helping someone and enabling them to use you? The whole situation is no one's fault but my own. I realize that as an adult its time to deal with the consequences of my own actions, of my own decisions, and maybe in the midst of the emotions and struggle, time to make a change. If only I knew which change to make.

Mama I'm a big girl now

Hey...so saying goodbye to Mom, Dad and sisters was hands down the hardest part about yesterday. And then to have to just keep going with the activities proved a particularly difficult challenge as well. But thats how life at college is probably going to be. I may get sad but I can't just stop all that I am doing to cry and whine....that's not going to fly around here. I just have to keep going. So it was good. I didn't do every single little activity planned, and I am capable of meeting people without running around campus for a scavenger hunt. I've made friends all ready, which is actually a huge suprise for me. And most everyone is so nice and they are here to meet people. My roommate still isn't here so it may ALL change when she shows up, but who knows. I know that God has a plan and its all going to work out how he wants it to. Love ya!

Just thought I would share my favorite painting...Don't worry Michaela, I wouldn't publish the most recent one. But I think I want to do one more before I go but I really need to do some soul searching first. I think this one is called 'Her Hope'.

A Fresh Start...

So I am basically thrilled about school. This morning I woke up and thought that next Saturday couldn't come soon enough. I pretty much realized that I really have an exciting time ahead of me. Brittany and I were talking the other day when we were at lunch saying how college is going to be our time. We didn't really have it in high school, maybe second semester of senior year, but we didn't live it up as much as we probably could have, but now we are living it up! And I realized that I am starting with a completely clean slate. No one at school has a previous impression of me, or have heard something about me from someone, or remember me for something dumb I did when I was in 5th grade. No one will know any of the crazy stupid mistakes I have made. Its not that I intend to completely reinvent myself when I go to school like some people do. I intend to become a better version of myself. I am giving myself permission daily, hourly, to begin again because God gives me opportunities, daily and hourly, to begin again, to start fresh. Leaving Ojai the way I am, without as strong of a friend base as I have had in the past is probably the best thing for me, because I really want to make friends. I want to and am ready to be the one who introduces herself first, who leaves her door open, who puts herself out there. (My secret plan is just to be the one with lots of food, then everyone will love me, right? hehe) But seriously, opportunities like this, starting totally fresh, won't come around again very often. I think its something special thats going on. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me, I know that everything, me going to Mt St Mary's, my unknown roommate, not having a car for a while, is all a part of his plan and I cannot wait to see how it all fits into His perfect plan.

Grace

2nd Corinthians 12:5-10
"But I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool because I would be speaking turth...But he said to me "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties, for when I am weak I am strong."

I have been thinking recently about this whole situation of myself, trying to analyze is in my mind, and come up with an explanation as to why I still feel depressed and have always felt that way, why I have always wanted a guy in my life. The best response I can come up with is this. The Christ I know who made me and knows me gave me my strengths, but more important than my strengths are my weaknesses. They are the certain habitual failures, desires other than Christ that cause me to return to him. I talked to mom the other day when I was happy because I felt like I had been healed from my depression. Only now do I feel as though it was only a small enlightenment, a revelation regarding it. I now think of it differently; If I was happy of my own accord, I would not need to return to Jesus and find joy in his incredible Love for me, joy in returning to his heart, joy in his pursuit of my heart, joy in his besitos, joy in his Grace. I struggle daily with sadness, and perhaps I will my entire life, but I think I now have the awareness and knowledge of the purpose of my sadness. I asked you the other day why you thought I have been boy crazy from the start, and the only one of us with such an intense longing for that kind of relationship. I have always desired someone to whom I would give my heart, who would take care of it and would want me. I believe now that that longing, that emptiness, is not meant for a guy to fill. It is meant for God to fill. God loves me just as I am, not who I am capable of being. And he loves my weaknesses because they are what allow me to need him, what require that I return to him and call on his truly amazing Grace to restore my heart, fulfill my longer, and bring me joy.

A New Identity

To avoid the ever dreaded novel, this is just the start of all that I am learning...

I am a woman. An image bearer of God. The crown of Creation. I was chosen before time and space, and I am wholly and dearly loved. I am sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of my fiance, Jesus. I am dangerous in my beauty and my life-giving power And I am needed

As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, I can be strong, and tender. I speak to the world of God's mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. I am inviting; I can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of my life as well as my need for more because I am safe in God's love. I labor with God to bring forth life-in creativity, in work, in others. My aching, awaked heart leads me to the feet of Jesus, where I wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are ever upon me. The King is captivated by my beauty.

I am needed. I need to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that he placed within me so that I will come alive to him and to the role that is mine to play. Perhaps I am meant to be a concert musician or a teacher. Perhaps I am meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer. Perhaps I am to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill. I am certainly called to be a woman, wherever else he leads me.

And this is crucial. Whatever my particular calling, I am meant to grace the world with my dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever he leads me. He will lead me first to himself; and then, with him, he will lead me into the world that he loves and needs me to love.

another novel ; )

Or not...but last night Joaquin sure was...haha No but seriously. SO last night I went out with Joaquin and his friend but it wasn't really like me going out with them, it was me going there so I wouldn't have to wait around and drive back to pick them up. Got back around midnight. Don't ask me why I volunteer to do that because I have no idea, I just hate the thought of them not being smart because they dont have a ride. The past few days I have really realized how important all of the Reals are. They keep me in check, they remind me there is LIFE OUTSIDE OF OJAI! and that truly genuine people really do exist. I hope to stay close friends with them for a long time.

Got my digital camera yesterday, haven't quite figured out how to work it mostly because I can't figure out if it comes with the battery or if I have to go buy some special one? Maybe you can help me later because you know how dumb I can be. hmm what else is new? 4th was fun. Going to vta was the best idea mom and dad have had in a while and then we went to the Real's and met two of their friends. Oh my goodness these girls...ok I love them but it was the weirdest thing. I have never met someone my age that was SO different from me. I mean, I don't think we had a single thing in common regarding what we like to do, how we dress, any of our interests in anything, and they were quite possibly the COOLEST girls I have met in a long time. It was so great to see that there is SO much more to life than what I have seen thus far living in Ojai, you have something in common with everyone because in some ways, everyone here is the same. So i really enjoyed that experience.

OK so I read a really cool chapter in the book Captivating. It was entitled "Warrior Princess" and it talks about spiritual battle (mind you everything is in reference to a woman's heart). Here's a little of what I wrote in my journal. I want to share with you because I want you to pray for me. I can't tell you how frustrating it was to have this great revelation of sorts and not have anyone to grab and say "look what I learned!"

THere is a battle taking place every day, and it is a spiritual battle for my heart. In more ways than I ever before realized, and I hope will continue to realize, the Enemy is fighting to take my heart away from God and in many ways he has succeeded. Not only did he tell me countless lies about myself, and convinced me to believe them, he as also decieved me into thinking them as truths that I caused. So with having an eating disorder, being depressed, quick to anger and overall an inherent failure, he convinved me that (1) these things would never change and (2) I caused them. How deceitful and cunning is! And so I think that (and here's where I could use some discussion) my sin isn't just when I knowingly lie, or disobey mom and dad or just, do the obvious "thou shalt not's" but also when I give the Enemy "a foothold", when I allow him to convince me that his lies are truth. So the lies I have accepted as truth didn't come from myself, but from the Enemy. So he attacks me not just by tempting me, but by telling me these awful lies, that I am not good enough, not worth anything, that I have nothing of value to offer or to say, that I am too much trouble and am completely incapable. The other thing that Captivating aserts is that he also attacks relationships, especially toward women because women are made to be relational to the core. He doesn't want our relationships, especially the good ones to thrive, which is another way in which I have given him a foothold. (and here is where the G's might have had a point) Yes friends can grow apart, but he also attacks our relationships. WE feels that we have failed our friends, frustrated or irritated with them, and we leave ourselves in shame, isolation and resentment. "Now who do you suppose could have a vested interest in ruining your relationships?" Ever realize something and jsut sit back and say "whoa"? thats basically what I spent an hour doing yesterday morning. Now here is the cool part:

As a Christian and only with the power of Christ Jesus, I have the power to denounce the lies. To tell the Enemy to remove himself from me, from my relationships. Its a constant battle, but I am equip myself. Christ has fought for me before I was even born, and He will continue to fight for me. I, too, can choose to fight for myself. "Now often the hardest person to fight for is yourself." This was also a "oops, I missed that" moment. See when I made the decision to follow Christ (I think I was in Sunday school actually) I didn't realize all that I was deciding to do. I thought well I will follow him and fight to save other people's souls. but now I think that what comes first is fighting for myself, for my own heart. The rest will follow. "Much of what (God) allows in your life is not for you to simply accept, but to get you to rise up! God wants you to know how to weirld the weapons of warfare, how to take a stand, how to fight" Now it may be the most difficult thing I have set out to do, to fight for myself, Before now I believed that I wasn't worth fighting for. I now know my heart is precious, worth guarding from the Enemy and his lies, and worthy as an offering to Christ and, through his will, worth offering to others. I am worth fighting for. With Christ, I am enough. I have something beautiful to offer the world. With Christ, I am capable. and I am not just saying that, I believe it now, I could never have said that i believed that before. so I know this is another novel but Michaela, it's the most incredible realization I have ever had. And now that I believe it, I want you to be able to believe it to (for yourself). I have one more chapter to go, and then I want you to read this book. It has not only brought me back, but has helped to push me forward and has opened up a whole new realm of spirituality (if that makes sense?) Love you, can I pray for you? can I pray with you????

For My big sis

Hello there sister! This one's just for you! Since we never see each other, here is an update on my life, as I expect one from yours.
I am through tutoring Sabina, which was really a lot of fun. She is such a sweet lady and I enjoyed her company. We had such good talks about how life is so different in Italy, and in some ways its completely the same. People's attitudes and outlooks seem so much healthier there, its all about living in the moment, enjoying oneself and one's family, and not wanting everything in life, but focusing on a few things. Who knows, if I end up liking Italy enough while I am there, I may end up studying it in college and moving there for a bit.

The babysitting is insane though. During the day we are at an old lady's home, which as you know means its not baby-proofed. And I have a four week old, and a one year old who always wants mom's attention. And the old lady is 91, so its like having 3 babies to look after all at once. Its crazy.

I have been really blessed with my time lately. During high school, I always complained about not having time and now that I have it I need to pray about how I can best use it, because it really is a gift. I have been getting back into the swing of reading my bible daily, and am working through Captivating. It's at this really interesting part where it talks about how much God wants to romance us, to have a relationship with us as women, not just as father and daughter or master and servant, but as lover and beloved. Song of Songs is a really good explanation of it. It has also helped, as I am sure you will like, with my outlook on the guy situation. I was so upset for the longest time because with the past two guys it was as if I wanted so badly and was so ready to give them my heart. And even though I consider both of them great guys, they would not be able to improve the condition of my heart but eventually, they would probably worsen it. But by giving my heart to God, not just in servitude but in love, He will not only heal all the previous wounds against my heart, but he will treasure it and find joy in transforming it. Thats real love right there. Not any of the fake stuff I though would be real. And I know it sounds corny but you should really read the book, it has some very good points. And for the first time, I felt proud of myself not because of who I am as an individual, but proud to be myself because I am a woman, because of all God had in mind when he created women. And just being born a woman I now consider a gift, though many throughout history have considered it a curse. The book invites women to unveil their beauty. Here's part of it that talks about enveiling beauty, or our feminine hearts:

Women who are sunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying "yes" when the world says "no". By paying the high price of loving truly and honsetly without demanding that they be loved in return.

It's scary, for sure. That is why it is our greatest expression of faith, because we are going to have to trust Jesus-really trust him. WE'llhave to trust him that we have a beauty, that what he said of us is true. And we'll have to trust him with how it goes when we offer it, because that is out of our control. We'll have to trust him when it hurts, and we'll have to trust him when we are finally seen and enjoyed. Thats why unveiling our beauty is how we live by faith.

Unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of hope. We hope tht it will mater, that our beauty really does make a difference. WE hope there is a greater and higher Beauty, hope we are reflecting that beauty, and hope it will triumph. Our hope is that all si well because of Jesus and that all will be well because of him. So we unveil our beauty in hope. And finally, we unveil our beauty in the hope that Jesus is growing our beauty. Yes, we are not yet what we long to be. But we are underway, Restoration has begun, To offer beauty now is an expression of hope that it will be completed.

And unveiling our beauty is our greatest expression of love, because it is what the world needs from us. When we choose not to hide, when we choose to offer our hearts, we are choosing to love. Jesus offers; he invites; he is present. That is how he loves. That is how we love-from the heart. OUr focus shifts from self-protection to the hearts of others. WE offer beauty so that their hearts might come alive, be healed, know God, that is love.

THe other thing is that I know you have disagreed with any boy sitch I have brought to you. BUt I know God had a plan through all of that. I would never have known or valued what it meant to be romanced by God if I did not have had something to compare it to. That's just how I learn. So the heartbreak, I can now say, was all a part of God's plan. I never understood completely what it meant to not just Love God but to be in love with him, which is just as important. I feel like for the first time I understand what it means to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Of course I have all ready made "the commitment" to him or whatever they call it these days, and I guess to a certain degree that was me walking by faith, because as a kid I didn't know really anything about temptation or sin except for the obvious obey your father and mother deal. but now that I have faced so many other challenges I am glad I chose to follow Christ before I realized what it meant. Not that I don't like what I have learned, I'm just glad the events in my life and my previous belief and faith in Christ have led me to the understanding I now have. Does that make any sense to you?

So I guess this blog thing could also be a prayer request for you and me? so ok here's a big one
1. The first would be about all I have learned. It seems in my walk with Christ I take five steps forward and two steps back. Maybe pray that I can fall in love with him more and more each day. That I can see myself as he sees me, and seek Him and His truth about all situations. I want my heart to be at rest with him and in him. Not constantly striving to be perfect and to look perfect and be what I think people want me to be.
ok novels almost over...

Anyway, would love to hear what you think. Love you!